比熊犬 Bichon Frise

My favorite kind of dogs.

A series of MY unfortunate events in June- No.3 and some memories

My palm got a cut yesterday when I was decluttering. It was on my right thenar muscle.. a pointed glass of a container sitting in the box poked into my palm when I was trying to reach the floor as I slipped off the sofa. It kept bleeding. When I was hoping that it would get better at night, I saw more blood staining the bandage. I was very scared. Steve told me that I would need to drive to the ER by myself in the morning if it became infected. I do not want any stitches! I asked him to spray the dressingspray followed by putting a regular bandage to cover it. I had the burning sensation the whole night and I unavoidably did not sleep well.

Right now, I opened it and looked. Hopefully it has fully stopped bleeding. There is bright red lines beneath some white broken (or repairing?) skin. I put spraydressing on again. It is so hard to use the keyboard with my left hand only.

The last time I had a very bad and a real deep cut, it was about 15 years ago. I played badminton with my classmates after school. I felt on the ground with my left knee being cut by the curb. It was all made of cement and of course, it HURT. Blood gushed from the knee-cap!! My classmate went to the first-aid room with me. The red-cross/girl scout on-duty dressed my wound. I thought it was no big deal. In fact, I couldn't bend my knee. I was screaming with every step I walked. A teacher and a classmate accompanied me to the bus-stop.

At night, I opened the dressing and peeked. Gross!! Bloody...I waited for another hour and it was still very bad. Then, my mom thought was I should go to the ER. We rode a taxi to the hospital. My mom said I might get stitches. I cried. After waiting at the admission for an hour, we saw the doctor. I guess he could tell I was worrying about getting stitches. YEAH, no stitches. BUT, I had to get a tenus shot to stop any infection. Plus, he gave me some antibiotics. After a week, I still saw some blood and pus. I did not want to see the doctor again. I begged my mom to go to the pharmacy to buy me an antiseptic cream and a dressing kit. I diligently cleaned and dressed my wound daily for a month.I could not swim for a while. I could still feel the pain beneath the wound after a month though. Luckily I did not get any stitches. I may needed it but I resisted. Because I already had an ugly scar from the stitches on my right ring finger when I was three years old.

Now, the scar on my knee cap is still obvious, more than 1.5 inches long. When the wound was repairing, it itched badly. So, I really try to avoid any activites that might break my skin. My skin is very fragile. Now, I have an idea: not to wear any shorts in Texas. In case I fall, my knees will be protected. It's so hot in Texas now. But, I'll still prefer to wear capris or pants to protect myself. And Steve, please hold my hand tightly wherever we go, you know how clumsy I am!

Food is the best medicine

I know my emotions was fluctuating again. My body has been torturing me this month. I have several problems with my body but I don't want to see the doctor again. Since June 1st, I've been to the clinic 3 or 4 times. It is like the total number of times I would go there in a year or two. What's wrong with my body lately?? And I've just got a cut on my right palm. Bleeding...1/2 inch long. It was my fault, I shouldn't sit on the sofa when I was sorting out junk from my box. I don't cook tonight. We'll have leftovers or I'll ask Steve to cook. I HOPE JUNE WILL BE OVER SOON. IT HAS BEEN THE MOST UNFORTUNATE MONTH IN MY WHOLE LIFE!!

Yesterday Steve came home with tons of BBQ leftover ... hamburger buns, beef patties, ice cream sandwiches, potato salad, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, sodas, chips, condiments, etc. Yeah, I don't have to cook a lot then. Plus, my palm is hurting me anyway... Food always cheer me up. Next time when I am sad, I should just go eat the food I like. Then, everything won't be a big deal anymore.

We watched 'CARS' last night. It was a great animation/movie. I loved the story. In real life, when people are working towards their goal aggressively, they don't know they are missing something important around them. I am going to show this movie to my children someday.

I am kind of bored at home these days...but I found things to do: to repair (sew) the clothes with holes... and declutter. I don't like having too many things in the house... I know Steve doesn't like it. But, I promise him that I won't throw away his stuff without asking him. heehee. =-)

Sleepless in Seattle

I can't sleep tonight. I am not felling well today. It is not easy to move here by myself. When I really need to talk to someone, I don't really want to talk to anyone. I don't call my parents. I don't want them to worry about me. I am getting more used to be by myself. I have too many things in my mind. Sorrow, disappointment and anger. Everyone has emotions. Work helped me to forget them at least for 8 to 10 hours a day. Now, I sleep instead. But, at least, I don't use alcohol, everyone knows I cannot drink. And, I do not smoke. I do not want to use bad temper or crying to draw attention. I can just spend time by myself and write down what's bothering me to calm down myself. I am okay. Tomorrow will be another day. I wish I could do things before thinking more than twice. I am still holding on to things I had lost, especially when I can't sleep. That feeling comes back. Then, I miss home, my friends and my family. I miss everything I had in the past. I wish I could go back to the past to fix everything so that bad things wouldn't have happened. But I know it is impossible...

Start over

I love staying home. I discovered a few things...

-Enjoy the sun beam coming through the skylight during the day
-The front yard has been 'invaded' by clovers
-It is cool & nice to lie on the couch in the afternoon
-I can sleep like a log for 8 - 10 hours
-The front room isn't as warm as I thought. It's just right and comfy.

Too bad, I didn't have much time to enjoy the space and tranquility of our home. I worked so hard everyday like a pre-programmed robot. Now, I feel more like a human being.

Now...and gradually,
I miss doing massages,
I miss the people I see regularly,
I miss telling Steve the funny things happened everyday...
but I will not go back to the sweatshop. I do not want to work at any sweatshop in the future.

Looking forward to going to a Reiki class in August.
Finding a way to erase all of the bad qualities of myself.
Learning to forgive and forget.
Life is so unpredictable and fragile.

Enjoy every moment we live.
Today is a present.

I am okay

I am okay.
I just want to spend time by myself at the moment.
Thanks for everyone's concern.

staying home

• Got up after 10am instead of 6am
• Feel like having nothing to do, lose the goal of living?
• Able to cook fresh lunch at home, which is nice
• Got an email from Sandra, we can soon bring our kids to hang out. I need to learn to drive to South Seattle first. My driving sucks (honestly). hehehe.
• Plan to go for a walk to the lake tomorrow morning
• Need to focus on my study
• Enjoy life